The best thing going

I had a date on Sunday night and another one tonight with the same guy and, man, were they good. Where have all the thirty-something, history nerd, drum-playing, Noir-watching, hot-kissing cute guys been? I’m not sure, but I can tell you where one of them was tonight.

…And other shocking revelations

I realized today that timing is, indeed, everything.

I often take the time to go back and look at what I consider to be pivotal decisions in my life. I start with the big ones: where I went to college, buying a house, the jobs I have worked, the people I’ve dated…. Then I move on and start looking at smaller ones: the things I didn’t do, the people I haven’t dated, the times I chose to stay at home instead of going out.

What I usually wind up with is the conclusion that the things I did got me here, I like being here more than I dislike it and so those decisions are okay.

What I fail to do is measure the impact of other people’s decisions on my life.

And so today, sitting around in the aftermath of a truly revelatory conversation during which my father said, with quite a bit of shame, that he was sorry he hadn’t been a better parent when it came to teaching me and Meghan about sex, I started to think about the intertwining of decisions.

None of us makes a decision on our own. We are all dependent on who else has decided to show up, what they’re saying, or feeling, or wearing … we cannot, not a one of us, ever truly make independent decisions.

That got me to thinking about what influences my decisions. What was I thinking? What was I feeling? Did I like myself at that particular moment? Was I angry at someone? What did I bring to the experiences that have shaped my life? I was an active participant, these things didn’t happen in a vacuum. So, why is it so hard to look honestly at what goes into any given day of living?

My point, which I’ll never get to if I keep asking questions, is that for so long I’ve been devestated by the consequences of other people’s decisions. I’ve looked on myself as the actor, as the one with agency, as the person for whom that situation came together. But that experience, that event that is happening in my life, well, it’s also happening in the lives of all of the other people who are present. And it will change them and shape their next decisions and impact the way lives are lived.

I don’t mean this to sound a naive revelation. And really, it’s not. The basic idea of that has always been with me, but there’s been a shift in perspective.

To be more specific, which makes for a better story, anyway …

Not so long ago, I met and fell for someone. I’m not talking about Someone New. Let’s call him Someone I Always Wanted. If I had to point to a real, live, in-front-of-me, reach-out-and-touch-it example of what I want, I would definitely bring Someone I Always Wanted for that round of show-and-tell. But, alas and alack, the Universe conspired against us and here I sit, having Someone I Always Wanted in a way I never wanted him.

And while I’ve often thought of what I did to get us here, how my being the person I am created this situation, I never thought that the person he is was equally responsible for getting us here and that we created this situation together, however much we might think the other is responsible or blame ourselves, depending on the weather.

I have people in my life I met at a specific time, when I had a certain set of goals in mind and a specific outlook. Even though my circumstances may change, I realize that I seldom reevaluate those people in light of my new situation. For me, they are always The People I Partied With, or My Depressed Friends, or Persons Who Knew Me Before I Knew Myself. And my initial thoughts about them remain, for the most part, my current thoughts. First impressions are indeed a powerful thing.

How life-altering would it be if we were able to step back and reexamine those relationships? How much would it change us to take another look at the people we know in a current context?

I met Someone I Always Wanted and became A Certain Person to him, because of the circumstances in his life. And as much as he will remain Someone I Always Wanted, I will always be to him A Certain Person, because in order for any of that to change, we would have to admit that we made each other who we are, instead of letting ourselves believe that we shaped the other’s perception of us.

Well, I’ll cede control. At least that’s a start.

Help me help you

I would like to tell you all about the most absolutely mind-numbing, ridiculous-beyond-all-description, annoying thing in the world: People who will not allow you to help them even though you know exactly what they’re going through.

I am all for the idea that you must learn for yourself. We didn’t listen to our parents, right? That is, until we found out that they had this eerie ability to be right about almost everything because they ALREADY DID IT.

Hello? Are you listening? Someone who has already done what you are doing right now can probably tell you (a) how it was that you got to this point, (b) what to do to move beyond this point and (c) why it’s okay that you’re at this point.

I am finding right now, in all aspects of my life – personal and professional - that I am dealing with people who refuse to accept help for anything and because of that (a) do bad work, (b) make my job more difficult, (c) interrupt my social calendar and (d) annoy the crap out of me, so that rather than being able to go to sleep at night, I lie awake wondering how to make the situation better.

For as long as you all insist on acting like this, I will wear red lipstick. Deal with it. If you see me with red lipstick on, it means I’m annoyed. And now that I found the perfect red (Red Rhapsody by L’Oreal … who knew?) I’m pretty sure I will be annoyed every day for the rest of my life, except on those days when another color lipstick would better suit my outfit, thankssomuch.

I understand not wanting to ask for help – I really do. But the fact of the matter remains that when you isolate yourself and keep other people out because you’re afraid they’ll find out you don’t know what you’re doing every second of every day, you’re only making matters worse for yourself.

I wouldn’t tell you that I want to help if I didn’t or if I considered it a burden. Figure it out, kids.

Date, shmate

I recently got the advice, “Date. Date like a madwoman.” And while I think this is pretty sound advice for anyone (and especially for someone who has just been dumped and told, “I’ve been lying to you since day one,” by the man she thought would someday — with a little convincing, mind you — contribute half the genetic code of her children), there are a few catches.

1. Men are so short. Really, it’s not like you’re not all wonderful and attractive and fun to be with, but why are you all my little sister’s height? For a long time after I broke up with Mulligan, I figured I had used up my supply of “Achingly Gorgeous Smart Man,” and was stuck with “Cute If You Squint But, Man, Is He Dumb.” Now, much to my chagrin, I’ve apparently used this year’s supply of “Tall Strapping Lad” and I’m stuck with “Taller Than You But Can’t See Over There, Either.” This is probably not a fair assessment, but once you’ve cuddled up next to a 6′5″er, anything less seems like a blanket that’s a little too small.

2. Of COURSE we had a good conversation. Look, people, Molly knows how to talk. About herself. In the third person. I can talk to almost anyone. Except, you know, people who don’t speak English. Even then, I do alright when it comes to getting the major themes across. Yes, you told me all about your family and life in Michigan and the job you’re so darn passionate about, but, well, that doesn’t mean we really shared anything. And that happy glow? Well, dear, that was from the Bloody Mary, not the leftover illumination from your sparkling wit.

3. I’m afraid of small penises. They terrify me, really. Look, I’m not being so particular, but I have no interest in wasting notches at this point. There’s more to a relationship than sex, but I’m not a good enough person to deal with your …uh… short-comings. Can we please develop some sort of signal or code word so you can let me know ahead of time what we’re going to be working with? Because if I really like you, it’s going to suck that much more to stop seeing you.

4. You have to do more laundry when you’re actively dating. I have three good date outfits. I have more than three dates. I need some more detergent.

5. I already know I’m not going to like most of you. Dude, look, thanks for taking the time to have dinner, but please, understand, I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to like most of you. This is a numbers game and I can be a little patient about it. So, even if I thought, going into it, that you’d be cool and even if, much to my delight, you turn out to be really cool, that doesn’t mean that I feel any need to see you again and I’d appreciate it if you stop asking me what went wrong. Nothing went wrong, darling. Things just didn’t go right.

6. I will probably make out with someone I shouldn’t. Having been released from the dreaded clutches of Monogamy, I have a lot of merchandise available to me. There were no fewer than three dudes at the Laughing Lizard I would have made out with last night. There were only seven people in the bar, including me and the bartender.

7. There’s a third person at our table for two. It’s fun to plan dates and think about them and hope they go well. But there’s always that little nudge in the back of your mind, that little tickle that says, “I’d rather be with Someone New.”

Perhaps this is not so much dating as it is rebounding. I’m on the road to recovery. I’m just not sure how long it’s going to take to get better.

Revenge and redemption

Wow.

So, since Someone New pulled his disappearing act, I have been out and about with my peeps. I feel so special to have all of you here for me and to know that I can count on you.

Special props have to go to Misty “Take THAT” Koper, Chris “I can think of at least five guys who will bang you” Moore, Amber “That is Ri-goddamn-diculous” McManus, Matt “A pet rock has a better idea of what he wants” Kraft, Laurel “Guys are so stupid” Bernstein, and John “He was never goth” Farrell.

I talked to Someone New last night and I have to say that I walked away from it feeling awesome. He asked what I had been up to and as I recounted the last week, I realized I had been out almost every night. I had fun and I could sound genuninely happy about what is going on in my life.

Oh, and I totally have a date on Saturday. I think Someone New will soon be replaced with Someone Better.